was it me?

I was contacted the other day by a man in his mid-30s. This man had been a part of a youth camp staff that I was overseeing back to my 20s.

This man had been trying to get a hold of me by phone for several months I had no idea why, and he never actually told me why. He finally decided it would be best to send me a long e-mail.
As I read the e-mail I was somewhat embarrassed that I hadn't made a more concerted effort to call him back. He recounted for me a very significant exchange that he and I had, while he was working for me all those many years ago.
My encouragement to him was one I probably had given a hundred times to other camp counselors before and since. I basically told him that camp wasn't about him hanging out with his friends but about him hanging out and developing relationships with campers. At that moment he said he stopped talking to his friends and moved over to a group of campers and began to enter into dialogue/relationship with them.
He evidently continued his quest to develop relationships with students and now in his mid-30s has been a youth minister for many years. Something so many youth pastors cannot say because for many youth pastors their motives are for greater significance.

When I think about my life and spiritual position at that time I ask the question was it me?
was it me who spoke into that life of a young man and began to change his approach to Ministry. Was it me that he was watching as we spent many hours of every day working together at a youth camp helping students and other staff members to walk closer to God. Was it me that he really wanted to be like as he sought out additional training and ultimately dedicated his life to youth work.

No

I will admit back in those days I would've wanted it to be me. I was so full of my own spiritual wonderfulness that I would've gladly taken credit for the inspiration that anyone could've passed my way. I wanted to be inspirational, and believe myself to be inspirational for any and all were able to come across my path.I wanted to be the grandson that every grandparent wished they had. I wanted to be the husband that every parent wished they had been able to find for their daughter, but I was taken already. I wanted to be the youth speaker that every youth pastor wished he could book for his next event, and every pastor wished he had as their youth pastor.

I was just arrogant enough to believe that I had answers to people's questions and just knowledgeable enough to be dangerous in taking on anyone's issues or problems. I worked hard, preached hard, and believe with all my heart that God in some way needed me to do His work.
I wanted titles, acknowledgment, recognition, and opportunities. I would have gladly taken credit for the inspiration of any young man choosing to go into ministry because of what they saw in me. I would've turned that story into some sort of the sermon illustration so that even though I was supposed to be talking about God somehow I would be able to share the spotlight and talk about me.

What an arrogant, ignorant, punk I was.

When I read his e-mail I was amazed by God's grace. That God took where I was and somehow use it for his glory is once again a testimony to God. I was humbled by what God took out of me and transformed it into something that someone else could find significance in.I am more convinced now of God's ability to use the simple, base or ignorant arrogant punks of the world to do what He wants to do.I know he also has the ability to take those who may be highly intelligent and wonderful people to do what He wants to do, but of course those people would never tell you because unlike my old self they would be too humble to admit it.

I am glad for the journey I've been on with God. I know that I made a lot of choices that caused me to believe lies that convinced me I was someone God needed in order for his plans to survive. I am so glad God was gracious enough to me to pull me out of that miry clay, and onto a path that he has chosen.
I am happy he called one of his children, and I am glad and honored that He would use me anyway to accomplish a plan that He could clearly accomplish without me.

So to that young man in his mid-30s, I appreciate the e-mail

But it wasn't me.